Chapter 8
Song Recommendation – Someone Like You – Adele
A/N1 – For those of you that are wondering about the angst in the story, know that my pre-reader, Kookykrumbs, told me that this is an 8.5 out of 10 on the angst scale and a 12 out of 10 on the Charah scale, so I promise it will get better… soon.
So just like a pineapple, you have to get through the sharp, spiky, and tough outer skin with a crown of pointy leaves to get to the wonderful yellow, sweet, and juicy fruit inside.
A/N2 – I post updates on the Chuck Fan Fiction Facebook group when I post each chapter, along with an image(s) related to each chapter. If you're interested, join the Chuck FF group.
Disclaimer – Unfortunately, I don't own Chuck.
Chapter 8 – The Hardest Goodbye
Lou's Deli
Burbank, CA
The bell above the deli door chimed, "Morning, Lou!"
Lou looked up automatically, forcing the smile that had become harder to produce over the last week.
"Morning, Mr. Henderson. The usual?"
"Yes, please."
Her hands moved almost entirely by memory. Roast beef. Swiss. Rye bread. Mustard. Pickle. Wrap. Smile.
She handed him the sandwich. "There you go."
"Thanks, sweetheart."
Mr. Henderson walked toward the dining area, leaving Lou alone behind the counter once again.
She glanced instinctively toward the front window. For weeks, every weekday around noon, Chuck would appear walking across the parking lot from the Buy More.
He was always smiling before he even opened the door. He would wave. She would pretend not to notice until he reached the counter.
Today. Nothing.
Lou glanced at the clock. Noon. She had caught herself doing it again. Chuck usually came in around this time. She knew he wasn't coming. Knowing didn't stop her from hoping.
Just strangers walking past. She looked away before anyone noticed the disappointment on her face.
XXXX
The lunch rush began. The familiar rhythm of the deli continued around Lou, but she felt as though she were moving through it from a great distance. She could remember every order and every customer's name; what she couldn't stop remembering was the empty place where Chuck used to sit.
Today, it only reminded her of what was missing.
Jenny, one of her younger employees, quietly watched her boss.
Lou wasn't making mistakes. That almost made it worse. She wasn't forgetting orders. She just wasn't herself. She barely laughed. She barely smiled. She was functioning perfectly while feeling anything but normal, and every time the bell above the door chimed, she had to prepare herself for the possibility that it might be Chuck.
Always waiting.
XXXX
The bell chimed again. Lou looked up too quickly. Her heart sank. Not Chuck.
Just another customer, "Hi, Lou."
"Hi."
The woman smiled, "So…"
Lou already knew what was coming.
"…where's your computer guy?"
Lou forced another smile, "Oh… Chuck's been busy."
The customer laughed, "I haven't seen him all week."
"No…" Lou quietly replied, "Neither have I."
XXXX
Ten minutes later. Another regular, "Hey, Lou!"
"Hi, Frank."
"No Chuck today?"
Lou felt her chest tighten, "No."
"You two have a fight?"
She laughed weakly, "Something like that."
Frank immediately realized he'd stepped somewhere that was painful. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
He wasn't convinced. Neither was she.
The questions never stopped all day.
"Where's Chuck?" "Is he sick?" "Doesn't he always eat lunch here?" "I thought you two were dating." "I miss seeing you kids together."
Every innocent question reopened the wound. Every answer became harder to give.
Just after one o'clock, the door opened again. Lou looked up. For one impossible second, she thought it was him. Same height. Same dark hair. Same Buy More uniform. Her heart leapt.
Then the young employee stepped fully inside. Not Chuck. Someone else. Lou turned away before anyone saw the tears beginning to form.
Jenny quietly approached. "Lou?"
"I'm okay."
"You don't look okay."
Lou took a shaky breath. "I'm fine." The words sounded automatic even to her. She had spent a lifetime taking care of other people, and admitting that she was the one who needed help felt almost impossible.
Jenny had worked for Lou for almost two years. She knew better.
"No…You're not," she said softly.
Lou nodded once. Barely.
By the end of the afternoon, Lou had developed a standard answer. He's been busy. It was easier than saying: He left me. I don't know why. I still love him. She wasn't ready to make those truths public, even if everyone could already see them.
XXXX
The bell rang again. Another customer, "Hi, Lou."
She smiled automatically, "Welcome."
The older woman looked around, "I don't see Chuck."
Lou swallowed, "No."
"I always liked watching you two together."
Lou couldn't answer.
"The two of you looked," The woman smiled warmly, "Happy."
That single word, "Happy," … shattered what little composure Lou had left. Happy was exactly what they had been. That was why the breakup made no sense to her. Nothing about their time together had felt false from her side.
She loved him. She still loved him.
Her eyes filled before she could stop them. Her voice cracked, "I'm…I'm sorry."
The room went silent.
Lou covered her mouth, "I…I…I…"
Another tear escaped. She couldn't breathe.
"I just…"
She turned away, "I'm sorry…"
Before anyone could respond, she hurried through the kitchen doors into the storage room, and the door closed behind her.
XXXX
The moment she was alone, everything collapsed. She crumbled and slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor between shelves of canned vegetables and boxes of bread.
She buried her face in her hands. The sobs came all at once. Raw. Uncontrolled. She had spent days pretending she was fine. Pretending she'd move on. Pretending she understood.
She understood nothing. If Chuck had stopped loving her, she could have accepted that eventually. But he had looked her in the eyes and told her he still loved her, then walked away anyway. No explanation. No argument. No chance to fix whatever had gone wrong.
Just, "Goodbye, I love you."
She whispered through tears, "So why?"
There was no answer. Only the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen and the distant sound of traffic outside.
Lou pressed her hands against her face. She had always believed that if two people loved each other, they could work through anything. Chuck had just shown her that sometimes love was not enough to overcome a secret she wasn't allowed to know.
XXXX
Outside, the deli had gone unusually quiet. The customers who had witnessed Lou's breakdown understood without being told that this was not a moment for questions or gossip.
Jenny stepped behind the counter. "I'm sorry, everyone, Lou isn't feeling well."
An elderly customer nodded sympathetically, "Tell her to take her time."
Another customer quietly said, "Heartbreak hurts."
No one argued. Several sat silently with their lunches.
Nearly fifteen minutes later, Lou emerged. She had washed her face, but her eyes remained red. "I'm sorry," she told everyone.
One customer smiled kindly, "No apologies necessary."
Another reached across the counter and gently squeezed her hand. "We've all been there."
That simple act of kindness nearly started the tears again.
She nodded, "Thank you."
XXXX
Closing time finally arrived. Lou moved through the closing routine one step at a time, touching familiar objects that suddenly seemed connected to memories of Chuck.
Lou locked the front door. The silence inside the deli felt enormous. Every evening, Chuck used to help wipe tables. Sweep the floor. Carry trash and Taste-test whatever new sandwich she was inventing.
Now every empty chair reminded her he wasn't coming back.
She picked up the broom. Then set it back down. She didn't have the energy.
Jenny approached. "We can finish."
"No," Lou answered quietly, "It's my deli."
Jenny gently took the broom anyway. "It's also okay to let someone help."
Lou looked at her employee. Then unexpectedly hugged her, "Thank you."
XXXX
Lou's Apartment
Burbank, CA
Later that evening, Lou sat alone in her apartment. Chuck's favorite science-fiction movie still lay on her coffee table. A Stanford sweatshirt he'd forgotten weeks earlier hung over the back of a chair.
She picked it up. Held it tightly against herself. It still smelled faintly like him. Fresh laundry. Coffee. Just a hint of solder and electronics from the Nerd Herd.
For several seconds she stood there, remembering Chuck wearing the shirt, laughing about some ridiculous computer problem, and making her feel as though the world was a little less complicated.
She closed her eyes and whispered, "I miss you." The apartment answered with silence.
Her phone rested on the table. She stared at Chuck's contact. She had promised herself she wouldn't call again. She had already sent two texts. Neither had been answered. Maybe he'd changed his number. Maybe he'd blocked her.
She knew she was inventing explanations because the real one was too painful. Chuck wasn't cruel. He wasn't careless. He had never ignored her before.
Something had happened. Something big enough to make the man who loved her decide that disappearing was kinder than staying.
Her phone rested on the table. She stared at Chuck's name until the screen dimmed, then touched it again so she could see it.
No. That wasn't Chuck. He wasn't cruel. Something else had to be wrong. There had to be. With trembling fingers, she pressed Call. The phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times.
Voicemail. The familiar recording made her chest ache, "Hi, you've reached Chuck. Leave a message, and I'll call you back."
She waited until the beep, "Hi…" She stopped, started over, "Chuck…" her voice trembled. "I don't know what happened. I keep replaying every conversation we ever had. If I hurt you…I'm sorry. If I did something wrong, please tell me."
Another long pause. "I love you."
The words came out almost as a whisper, "I don't need everything to go back to the way it was. I just…" She wiped away another tear, "…I just want to understand. If there's any part of you that still loves me, please call. I'll wait. Goodnight"
Her thumb hovered over the screen after the call ended. For nearly a minute.
Then she typed one final text. "I still love you. If there's anything left between us, please let me try to fix it. I'll always answer if you call. —Lou"
She stared at the message.
Closed her eyes.
Pressed Send.
The screen showed only one word. Delivered. Lou stared at it as though the word might somehow become an answer if she waited long enough.
Lou set the phone beside her and curled up on the couch, unable to stop looking at it, hoping that at any moment it would light up with Chuck's name.
It never did.
Outside, the lights of Burbank slowly disappeared one by one as the city settled into sleep.
Inside a quiet apartment, Lou waited beside a silent phone, still believing that somehow the man she loved would find his way back to her.
XXXX
Buy More
Burbank, CA
Chuck had become remarkably good at pretending. The Buy More was an easy place to hide because everyone there expected him to be slightly awkward, slightly distracted, and occasionally ridiculous.
He smiled at customers. He fixed computers. He laughed at Morgan's latest Star Wars theory. He even managed to tease Jeff and Lester about accidentally setting another display television to Spanish.
To everyone in the Buy More, Chuck looked the same. Only four people knew better. Sarah could see the difference immediately because she knew how Chuck looked when he was genuinely happy, and how he looked when he was trying to convince everyone that he was.
Castle, Sarah watched Chuck through the security cameras.
He smiled, but she noticed something no one else would. The smile never reached his eyes. It disappeared the instant nobody was looking.
Sarah had become an expert at watching Chuck without letting him know. She could read the tiny pauses. The forced jokes. The way his shoulders dropped when he thought no one was looking. She had seen Chuck frightened before.
This was different. This was grief.
Sarah quietly whispered, "You're hurting."
She wasn't sure whether she was speaking to Chuck or to herself. Because she was hurting too. For the first time, Sarah wondered whether the pain she felt over Lou wasn't really about Lou at all.
It was about Chuck.
Casey stood beside her. "He is."
Sarah looked toward him. "You noticed."
Casey grunted.
XXXX
Later that morning, Chuck repaired another customer's laptop.
"You're always so cheerful," the woman smiled.
Chuck forced another grin. "I try."
"You've got one of those faces that makes people feel better."
"Thanks."
The moment the customer left, the expression disappeared. He turned back to the computer and focused on the repair because concentrating on a problem was easier than thinking about Lou.
Sarah had watched the entire exchange. She wished she hadn't.
XXXX
Castle
Burbank, CA
General Beckman reviewed another set of reports from Major Casey and Agent Walker on Chuck.
Mission readiness: Excellent.
Intersect accuracy: Excellent.
Operational awareness: Excellent.
Then she opened Agent Walker's supplemental notes.
Subject displays increasing emotional suppression.
No operational degradation observed.
Personal stress appears very significant.
Beckman slowly removed her glasses. She had commanded soldiers for decades. She knew the difference between someone recovering and someone refusing to fall apart. Chuck was functioning. Sarah was functioning. But … neither was actually recovering.
XXXX
That afternoon, Chuck's phone vibrated. He didn't even need to look.
He knew Lou was calling. Again.
Chuck closed his eyes. He remembered the deli. The first date. The farmer's market. The little jokes.
The way Lou had looked at him when he said he loved her. Answering the phone would bring all of it back. Not answering felt like betraying her all over again.
He stared at the screen. Part of him wanted to answer because hearing Lou's voice would make the pain stop for a few minutes. The other part knew that a few minutes of comfort could undo the sacrifice he had convinced himself was necessary.
"Lou Calling"
"Sarah noticed immediately, "So", she asked quietly, "Are you going to answer?"
Chuck never took his eyes off the phone. "I can't."
"It might help."
He slowly shook his head. "No. I know what she's going to say."
The ringing stopped. Voicemail. Chuck quietly slipped the phone back into his pocket. He looked as though someone had punched him in the gut.
XXXX
Casa Bartowski/Woodcomb
Burbank, CA
Ellie noticed next at Sunday dinner. Chuck barely touched his food.
Ellie didn't push him for details. She sat beside her brother and let him decide how much he could say. That was what Chuck needed. Someone who didn't need an explanation before offering comfort.
"Chuck?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you sick?"
"No."
"You've eaten three bites."
"I'm just not hungry."
Ellie frowned. Chuck had never turned down her lasagna without a very good reason, and she knew her brother well enough to recognize when he was trying to hide something.
Devon tried to lighten the mood. "So," he smiled, "relationship stuff?"
Chuck looked down at his plate. "Yeah." He couldn't bring himself to explain the details, but saying the word relationship somehow made the loss more real.
Devon's smile faded. "I'm sorry."
Chuck nodded, "So am I."
XXXX
After dinner, Ellie followed her brother onto the apartment balcony with a beer in one hand for him and a glass of wine for her.
"You loved her."
Chuck looked out over Burbank. "I did."
Ellie waited. "You still do." It wasn't really a question. She knew the answer from the way Chuck avoided looking at her.
He didn't answer. He didn't have to. Ellie had spent her entire life learning Chuck's silences, and this was one she understood immediately.
Ellie quietly stepped beside him. "I've known you your whole life."
She gently squeezed his arm. "I know what you look like when your heart's broken."
Chuck finally spoke. "I feel just like I did when Jill broke up with me, only this time I broke Lou's heart." He rubbed his hands together, struggling to keep his voice steady. "With Jill, I was the one who got hurt. This time I was the person doing the hurting."
His voice barely rose above a whisper, "I did that."
Ellie looked at him. "Chuck, sometimes relationships end."
Chuck shook his head. "No, this wasn't that."
He swallowed hard. "She didn't do anything wrong." That was the part he couldn't escape. If Lou had betrayed him, as Jill had, the decision would have been easier. Instead, she had been kind, honest, patient, and completely in love with him.
"Then why?"
Chuck closed his eyes. "I can't tell you."
Ellie wanted to ask more. Instead, she hugged him. "I'm here if you need me."
For several seconds, Chuck simply stood there. "Thanks, sis." Then he hugged his sister back. Tightly.
XXXX
Castle
Burbank, CA
Castle, the following morning, Sarah found Chuck sitting alone before work. He hadn't noticed her. He was staring at his phone. Lou's voicemail remained unopened.
Sarah sat beside him. "You haven't listened to it yet?"
Chuck quietly replied, "If I hear her voice…"
Chuck swallowed. He could already hear Lou saying his name. He could hear the hurt in her voice. He knew exactly what would happen if he listened. He would want to go back, and if he went back, he would eventually put her in danger again.
He stopped. Sarah waited.
"…I'll go back."
"You could."
Chuck looked at her and then, a bit frustrated, said. "And then what? She deserves birthdays. Christmas. Growing old. A family. Not…"
He looked around Castle, "…this."
Sarah didn't answer.
Chuck continued. "I thought if I ended it quickly, it would hurt less." He looked down at the floor. "I thought if she hated me, maybe she'd move on faster."
Sarah looked at him sadly. "Did it?"
Chuck laughed once. A broken laugh. "No, it hurts every damn second."
Sarah finally asked the question she'd been carrying for days. "Did you stop loving her?" She already knew the answer, but she needed to hear Chuck say it.
Chuck looked genuinely surprised. "No, not really."
The answer came instantly. "So why did you leave?" Sarah's voice remained gentle. She wasn't asking as an agent anymore. She was asking as someone who finally understood the cost of Chuck's decision.
Chuck leaned back in his chair. "You know why. I finally realized loving someone normal isn't enough with what's going on in my life."
Sarah frowned.
Chuck continued, "If someone like Fulcrum comes after me again, they'll come after everyone I love, and…"
His voice cracked, "… I couldn't live with myself if my family or friends died because of me."
Sarah looked down. She suddenly understood. This wasn't Chuck choosing one woman over another. This was Chuck sacrificing the future he always wanted because he believed it was the only way to keep Lou alive.
The realization broke something deep inside her. Sarah had spent months thinking Chuck had chosen Lou because Lou offered something Sarah could not. Now she understood that Chuck had chosen Lou, and then sacrificed her, because he believed loving someone was dangerous.
XXXX
A few days later, Casey entered quietly, and he placed a cup of coffee beside Chuck. He had heard enough to understand that this wasn't a conversation that needed an intelligence briefing. Chuck didn't need an agent in that moment. He needed someone who understood what it meant to carry a burden alone.
Chuck looked up.
Casey shrugged, "You forgot breakfast."
Chuck smiled weakly, "Thanks."
Casey remained standing. "You know, I've seen soldiers do what you did."
Chuck looked confused.
"They leave people behind. They end marriages and engagements. They just walk away. Not because they stop loving them."
Casey looked directly into Chuck's eyes. "Because they think it's the only way to keep them alive."
Chuck looked down. "It doesn't feel noble." He wasn't looking for praise. He didn't want anyone telling him he had made a heroic sacrifice. He wanted the pain to stop.
Casey snorted, "It isn't. It just sucks."
Despite everything, Chuck actually laughed, but only a little. It wasn't happiness, but it was the first genuine sound of relief Sarah had heard from him in days.
XXXX
General Beckman watched both conversations through Castle's surveillance cameras. She had ordered the monitoring for security, but what she was seeing had become something much more human and much harder to solve with orders.
She remained silent long after the room emptied.
She looked again at Chuck's personnel file and said to herself, "We ask young men and women to risk their lives every day. Sometimes, we ask them to sacrifice something even harder…"
She closed the file, "…The chance to live a normal life."
XXXX
That evening, Sarah drove Chuck home. Neither spoke for several minutes. The streets of Burbank passed quietly outside the windows while both of them sat with thoughts neither knew how to put into words.
Finally, Sarah asked, "If she called right now, what would you say to her?" She wasn't sure why she needed to know. Perhaps she needed to understand whether there was any part of Chuck that had truly let Lou go.
Chuck stared through the passenger window. "I'd tell her…"
He stopped. His voice trembled.
"…that every day I was with her was the happiest I'd been since receiving the Intersect."
Sarah quietly listened.
"I'd tell her none of this was her fault. I'd tell her she deserved someone who could love her without lying."
"And then?"
Chuck looked out at the city lights. "I'd tell her goodbye." The answer was quiet, but there was no hesitation. He had made the decision because he believed it was necessary, even though every part of him wished it wasn't.
Sarah felt tears gathering in her own eyes. Not because Chuck had stopped loving Lou, but because he hadn't. He loved her enough to walk away from the life he wanted. She had spent years being trained not to cry in front of anyone. Tonight, she wasn't sure the training mattered anymore.
As Chuck climbed out of the car, Sarah remained behind the wheel, watching him disappear into his apartment.
Only after he had gone inside did she whisper to the empty car, "I finally understand."
For the first time since she'd met Chuck, Sarah understood the terrible burden he carried because of the Intersect. It wasn't that Chuck was in danger. It was that everyone he loved could become a target because of him.
It wasn't the Intersect. It wasn't the CIA. It wasn't the NSA. It wasn't even the missions. It was loving people enough to let them go if he believed it would keep them safe.
Sarah sat alone for several minutes after Chuck disappeared inside. The city lights reflected across the windshield. She thought about every mission they had survived. Every time Chuck had flashed. Every time he had put himself between danger and someone else.
She finally understood that the hardest part of being the Intersect wasn't surviving the missions. It was deciding who had to be left behind.
And as she drove away into the quiet Burbank night, Sarah found herself grieving not only for Lou, but for Chuck as well. She had once believed that protecting Chuck meant keeping him alive. Now she understood that protecting him also meant recognizing how much of his ordinary life he had already sacrificed.
XXXX
End Chapter 8
E/N1 – Thanks to everyone for all of their reviews and PMs so far…keep them coming. I do try to reply to them all. It's interesting to hear your thoughts on which way everyone thinks the story is going to go.